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The entire site's , and it's nice to know they can actually back up their algorithms. And these are men with money. A fun place to hang out creating quizzes and seeing how you rate with others. I uninstalled the app.

Pros Once you feel that you cannot take it anymore alone and need a partner you can obviously get into the okcupid login page and create your own personal account that is absolutely free and safe. Original review: April 6, 2018 I hate the new messaging changes. Bumble and Tinder use a first name too, but profiles are verified through a Facebook profile, making them more safe and secure.

My Review of the OkCupid Dating App - Everything online has its own pros and cons so you decide what the best is for you before taking any step.

By 2018-09-07 09:00:00 UTC Let's just cut the mushy bullshit and get straight to the point: Online dating can truly suck. Don't get me wrong — the help is seriously great when you start to feel like you're ForeverAlone, but the entire process of creating a dating profile and dealing with less than ideal matches can be cumbersome. Here's the thing though: is about to be your new best friend. SEE ALSO: Everyone knows the name, but what tons of people especially young people may not realize is that it's not just another or. It's ideal for people who don't want anything to do with hookup-crazed swiping apps, but who also don't want to feel like they're desperately looking for marriage. With , it's obvious that you're not the only one who was itching for some sort of middle ground. Plus, since it's one of the OG dating sites it debuted in 2004 , its trusted name brings along an impressively robust user base. OkCupid's matching strategies are based on non-traditional questions and push for lasting connections. They accomplish this by diving into both the shallow and deep aspects of a relationship without forcing people to self-evaluate. The entire site's , and it's nice to know they can actually back up their algorithms. OkCupid's advertising is outstanding. They deserve endless applause just for that, but I realize many people on dating apps care about more than the aesthetics or the branding. Good thing OkCupid is so much more than that, taking compatibility factors into account that other sites haven't even thought of. OkCupid genuinely wants dating to be a good experience for you, and their multi-faceted matchmaking and modern vibe help you steer clear of feeling like a loser talking to people online. Making a profile: It's actually not a pain in the ass Please appreciate the cuteness of this login page. Image: okcupid Before you even sign up, please appreciate. It is adorable and feels super low-pressure. OkCupid recently went through a pretty major rebranding, and their new advertising is incredible. I am obsessed, guys. The entire campaign is fresh and inviting and does a great job of making online dating feel cool and not lame. Another way OkCupid is a true game changer lies in their inclusive gender selection: The site offers 12 gender identities and 20 sexual orientations, so no one is forced to choose a pronoun they're not comfortable with. OkCupid is the only site out there that can truly say it's for everyone, and I applaud them endlessly for that. Okay, well maybe not everyone — ultra right-wing conservatives may not have the best time here. You'll find out why later. If you've tried online dating elsewhere in the past Tinder doesn't count , you've probably noticed that filling out the questionnaires is THE WORST. The questions get way too fake deep for my liking, and honestly, are just begging for people to lie. Do you think the world's most sensitive, quick-tempered crybaby raises hand wants to admit to constantly picking fights? There's no question that that stuff is important, but I just don't think this method will produce the most accurate information on how someone really acts in a relationship. Good news: Building a profile on OkCupid is genuinely fun. You'll also answer the basics about smoking, drinking, political preferences, religion, and all that good stuff. Image: okcupid And that's just to start. After answering those and getting your profile open for business, they also have tons of questions to answer directly on your profile if you want to get even more specific with preference. You're really able to showcase all aspects of your dynamic as a partner without feeling the need to lie. There are also spaces for you to answer prompts about the last shows you binged, your favorite music artists, your talents, etc. The required set of questions only takes about five minutes to complete, and then you're ready to start playing Bachelor or Bachelorette. You're not bombarded with notifications or emails, which I was extremely thankful for. The top nav is extremely clean and only gives notifications for likes and messages — unlike other sites where people can like you in general, like your photo, send a wink, send a smiley face, send a gift, and whatever TF else these sites think is necessary. I'm big on aesthetics and design when it comes to dating sites I completely , and OkCupid is exactly what I want: organized, minimalistic, with all features obvious and labeled so that you don't have to click around to see what the options are. OkCupid gets major points for how user-friendly it is. Woke level: 100 The same-sex ads were probably an obvious giveaway, but. Finding a hottie only to find out you disagree on everything is the most awkward bummer ever. Other sites only ask one question about that stuff, which just isn't enough. If you're woke, liberal, and horrified by the dumpster fire that is our current political climate, this is the site for you. Right wingers, you should just exit now and sign up for — it has history of being pretty conservative. With OkCupid's recent makeover came a ton of as a way to weed out the not-so-progressive users. They want to know your opinion on issues such as abortion, immigration, guns, and more to make sure you and your potential partners have political views that are aligned. Image: okcupid OkCupid will use these answers to tell potential matches how liberal you are and vice versa, and it's always great to avoid heated arguments down the road. Thank you for adding to the vibrancy of the OkCupid community. Unfortunately, a lot of OkCupid's competitors have some growing up to do. Finding a match If you're feeling hopeless about finding love at all, you won't be after being on OkCupid. I literally had 607 likes after having my profile up for two days. OkCupid has such a massive user base with such a wide variety of people, there's no way you're not gonna find a ton of people who find you exactly their type. You see one profile at a time and swipe right or left depending on whether or not you're interested, with random profile-building questions thrown in at times to narrow down your pickings even more. If you want more freedom to peruse the dating pool, the discover section is also available like it is on the desktop version. See what potential matches are talking about, search for names, or even type in a hobby, musical artist, or show to see which users near you mentioned the same thing. It's chill and simple enough to do while you're waiting in line at the store or sitting on the train, all while feeling more sincere than Tinder. Messaging: None from randoms, but it slows the process OkCupid recently removed open messaging, meaning randoms can no longer message you before you two have matched. This can be good or bad depending on how you prefer the conversation to start: I personally enjoy it, as one main problem with online dating in general is that ladies get harassed by men who flood their inboxes. It's genuinely overwhelming and I'd prefer to only be messaged by people I already gave the go-ahead to. Like me, some people were stoked on this. I send fewer messages and I receive higher quality responses. I believe this is all because of the requirement to match before messaging. Now women are required to seek out desirable profiles in order to interact with users on the site - just like the men. I also really like how doubletake has shown me interesting profiles that I wouldn't have found with browsing. The only downside is the low population compared to Tinder. I was doing just fine having the block feature, or simply not responding to people who weren't worth my time. Luckily, OkCupid's DoubleTake profile allows you to see a good amount of info on a person before you swipe, so you're not about to match with people blindly more on that later. If the closed messaging is the most annoying thing on the site, that's pretty good. If you're not getting the attention and messages you think you deserve, there's an option to boost your profile to get you a full day's worth of activity in just 15 minutes. The is actually huge on OkCupid, and while all dating sites receive their fair share of shit Redditors do not hold back on giving their opinions , I genuinely feel like OkCupid has the most nice things said about it. Or the least mean things. Most dating sites make you pay to do literally anything besides signing up. Those prices won't set you back nearly as much as another site would, and I like that you're able to test out the site for free before deciding to go all in. You'll have to subscribe to the A-List for more in-depth features, but the fee isn't steep at all. One bomb free feature is. Released in 2017, Double Take acts as a kind of insurance. It uses and tries to send you new people that they think match up with your ideal boo. It's a clutch way to discover profiles you wouldn't have found just by browsing, and it gives more info and more pictures than regular matches show to give you an extra deep look into what they have to offer. Check it out: On the other hand, paying for an account can get rid of ads, allow you to see people who have liked you before you like them, see read receipts, get automatic boosts, and more. A-List is 100% worth the price, and you won't lose anything but not upgrading all the way to Premium. You can see the full list of A-List and A-List Premium features. Good for: Liberal people who want a relationship This is the place for pretty much everyone who takes dating seriously, but still wants to have fun. OkCupid is the best place to find people who want a partnership to truly be equal. It might take some time and genuine effort to make a profile, but that's what you want if you're looking for something real. You'll fill out a questionnaire with your answers as well as what you would like your ideal match to answer. This makes the application-building process a lot more fun than other apps, making it feel like an online quiz. It asks a range of questions, from simple stuff to whether you smoke and drink to more intimate things like how many dates you typically wait before sleeping with someone. Pro tip: The app says that the more questions you answer, the better your matches will be. The deeper you go, the more accurate your profile is. In turn, will have a way easier time finding matches for you. Like we said in our , just because you're bored with Tinder doesn't mean eharmony or a site with the same expectation to settle down is the next step. A lot of those users are older, divorced, and have kids, and there's a much slimmer selection of young people in that gray area. OkCupid seems ideal for the person who's trying to marry the next person they date, even if they idea of marriage and kids makes them slightly nauseated. The LGBTQ community finally has a safe space in the online dating world that is, one that's not a super niche lesbian or gay-only app , and those who usually vote liberally can make sure they're not going on a date with someone whom they'd want to fight on Facebook. I'd go as far as to say that is the best place to find people who want a partnership to truly be equal — where women won't be shamed for being breadwinners and where men won't insist that cleaning is the woman's job. Get with the times, people. OkCupid also has a where they discuss social issues, success stories, local events, showcase statistics from their users, and more. It's a great way for the makers behind the screen to get connected with the people using their site, and makes OkCupid feel less like just another dating app that wants to make money. Bad for: Right-wing conservatives and those in a rush to marry While browsing through the potential matches in my feed, I didn't get the vibe that people were 100% ready to settle down — which is fine if you feel the same way, but worrisome if you're past that phase. Some people seem to be using OkCupid like Tinder and were only visiting, while most will specify exactly what they're looking for in their bios, so confusion about intentions should be minimal. This isn't to say that it's not possible to find your future spouse on here — these prove that you can — just don't go into it expecting that. It's serious, but not serious. And then there's the political aspect of it. While most dating sites refuse to take sides, OkCupid has made it clear that they care about social justice issues. People who align strongly with the Republican party, are Trump fans, or have religion-backed values or political views may feel a bit out of place here — you'll probably feel like many of the questions are irrelevant to a relationship, and you probably won't see a high number of matches with whom you align politically. That's not to say that it's not worth a shot, but if you're trying to cast your net as wide as possible, another site where these issues aren't highlighted may give you better luck. Downsides As with any dating site, there will be the one-star ratings, enthusiastically negative reviews, and complaints from people about things that the site itself has no control over. No, Karen, it is not OkCupid's fault that John ghosted you. Dead profiles, catfishing, and getting abruptly suspended is annoying. OkCupid has its fair share of each, but unfortunately, it's nearly impossible to guarantee that a site is completely free of flaws. OkCupid does try to combat fake profiles by having users connect an Instagram account, which is way harder to fake than an online dating profile. Cities are overflowing with users, but less populated areas see a huge drop in potential matches. One thing that is a legitimate issue is the user base in less-populated areas. Cities like NYC, where I live are overflowing with potential boos, but I guarantee that if I logged on in my middle-of-nowhere hometown, my number of matches within a 10-mile mile radius would drop an alarming amount. We've seen a ton of complaints about this, but again — that's not an OkCupid problem, it's an every site problem. For those who have been using the site for years, they've noticed a significant slowdown with finding people to talk to, as you can't see who's messaged you until you like them back, and going through all of the possible people already takes forever. It's easier to just block people if you don't want their messages instead of almost never being messaged at all, you know? OkCupid doesn't have to re-open messages completely, because some people do like their privacy — but it would be great if they had an option to toggle it on if you don't mind being hit up by strangers. Alternatives OkCupid falls under both the classic dating site category and the swiping app category, which also means that they have way more competition than most one-or-the-other platforms do. When it comes to swiping apps, Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge are the obvious top three competitors. None of them want to be known as as hookup app, and it's definitely possible to find a long-term relationship on any of them, but Tinder and Bumble provide so little information that user intentions are easy to surmise. Where Hinge may fall short is the fact that it pretty much caters to young people only, while OkCupid is more wide-ranging. When it comes to more traditional sites, OkCupid's obvious competitors are , , and. It's also an OG player in the online dating game, and it's always nice to have the reassurance that there are veteran masterminds behind the matchmaking process. Match has numerous unique features to meet new people that no other site has even come close to. I was obsessed with their eagerness to get people together IRL read more in our review. It's a little less trendy and millennial than OkCupid, and maneuvering through the dating pool is pretty much a free-for-all. The way that OkCupid breaks suggestions down by categories makes everything significantly more organized and helps to give an idea of what might or might not work with a person right off the bat, which I found to be an extreme leg up. If you're looking to settle down ASAP and want to meet others who aren't down to clown either, eharmony may be more up your alley. This isn't to say that OkCupid isn't serious, because it is — it just gives a little more leeway when it comes to people's intentions. If you're looking to settle down ASAP and want to ensure that other users aren't down to clown either, eharmony may be more up your alley. OkCupid is clearly the winner there. IMO, there's nothing super standout about or. Both are user friendly enough, except POF looks like it hasn't been updated since 2005 and neither are nearly as aesthetically pleasing as OkCupid. POF is super into the chemistry stuff and their questionnaires are intense, so if you're looking for something serious and aren't trying to pay a lot, it's a great alternative to eharmony. It's a great feature for people who don't know what they want, and OkCupid's number of ways to discover new people might get overwhelming for those who aren't confident in their partner-choosing abilities. Final verdict As far as online dating goes, rules. When you're over swiping apps but are not desperately looking for marriage, this is happy medium. You can find commitment but still feel hip and have fun. It has gained a trusted rep by being one of the first dating sites ever 2004 to be exact , leading OkCupid to win the hearts of millions of singles. Their ads as well as their recent redesign and the addition of numerous gender identities and orientations showcase the importance they place on inclusivity and social justice, which is a giant breath of fresh air for anyone tired of regular heteronormative sites.

OKCUPID TIPS & ADVICE FOR MEN: How To Get An OKCupid Date Today
I'm so glad I didn't pay for it. After a while they want to get cozy. I literally had 607 likes after having my profile up for two north. Being such an odd description, I passed it but. In July 2011, OkCupid started beta testing of some location-specific additional features, in addition to their current iPhone and Android app offerings. OkCupid is made in New York City. With OkCupid, I was able to quickly change my pan, status and even age within a few seconds, and have access to everything in my account that I did prior. They can also customize their profiles to be viewable only by members who online. I am single, live alone, never married.

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Et puis il y a des femmes qui rencontrer des filles au vietnam dans des discotheques ou bars. J'avais une attitude plus que rencontrer des filles au vietnam. J'ai entendu plusieurs histoires que les Vietnamiennes du Nord possèdent rencontrer des filles au vietnam mentalité très différente des Vietnamiennes du Sud! Elle voulait me rouler des pelles une heure après m'avoir rencontré, qu'elle ne reviendrait plus avec lui sur ce marché.

N'entretenez pas les prises de bec, vous qui comparez les vietnamiennes aux francaises. Observe un couple blancvietnamienne: la plupart du temps, cependant.

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AGENCE MATRIMONIALE ASIATIQUE Rencontres et se marier avec les belles, jolies serieuses, fideles femmes Asiatique, Femmes Vietnamiennes! Nous sommes une Agence matrimoniale internationale, établie légalement au Vietnam et au Canada, qui propose aux adhérents des rencontres réelles accompagnées avec de jeunes femmes Vietnamiennes. Nos clients sont des hommes seuls d'Europe: France, Belgique, Luxembourg, Suisse,Canada et les autres pays, qui cherchent des relations durables, relations d'amour en vue d'un mariage. Le siege social est situe a 967 Duong Hong Ha- Chuong Duong- Hoan Kiem- Ha Noi- Viet Nam. Immatriculee au Registre du Commerce et des Societes de Ha Noi sous le numero 0101000918. Exercant son activité commercialle de: Agence Matrimoniale, Hotel, Voyage. Nous disposons d'une bonne expérience des mariages mixtes Franco- Vietnamienne et Canadien- Vietnamienne. Nous offrons les meilleurs prix dans le domaine d'agences matrimoniales, pour un service de qualité. Nous avons crée cette Agence matrimoniale en 2003 pour essayer de trouver la femme de la vie pour les hommes Francais, Canadien et de tous les pays. Au début nous avons collaboré avec les Agences Matrimoniale en France pour envoyer les profils de filles et les profiles de femmes en et nous avons forme des centaines de couples Franco- Vietnamiennes et Canadien- Vietnamiennes. Pendant notre collaboration avec les Agences Matrimoniale Française nous avons trouve que les clients devaient payer trés cher les services qu'ils offraient. Bonjour Messieurs , Je m'appelle VU DINH HIEN je suis résponsable des relations internationales de l'agence Matrimoniale Asiatique au Vietnam. Nous avons crée l'Agence Matrimoniale Asiatique en 2003 pour aider à fonder des couples Franco-Vietnamienne, Canadien-Vietnamienne et autres. Nous sommes l'unique Agence Matrimoniale légale au Vietnam. Nos adhérentes sont de belles femmes ,sérieuses, fidèles et et affectueuses. Les personnes que nous choisissons sont sérieuses et la plupart ont un travail mais elles manquent de bonheur dans leur vie de famille ,leur but est de fonder une famille avec un homme sérieux et fidèle qui la rendra heureuse toute la vie. Je suis très heureux de faire votre connaissance et d'être à votre service afin que vous puissiez trouver la femme de votre vie. Toute l'équipe de l'AGENCE MATRIMONIALE ASIATIQUE se joint à moi pour vous souhaiter une bonne santé et beaucoup de bonheur. Ci dessous mon épouse et moi en 2012. Tres cordialement Mr Vu Dinh Hien Responsable des relations international Agence Matrimoniale Asiatique Email : Cette adresse e-mail est protégée contre les robots spammeurs. Vous devez activer le JavaScript pour la visualiser. AGENCE MATRIMONIALE ASIATIQUE EN FRANCE Agence Matrimoniale Asiatique en France est a partir de la societe à responsabilite limitee WAS au capital de 3000,00 Euros. Immatriculee au Registre du Commerce et des Societes de Toulouse sous le numero 794 868 604 R. Exercant son activité commercialle de: Agence Matrimoniale, Restaurant Asiatique. Ci-desous moi et mon grand amour.

Reportage de Ao Dai de femme Vietnamienne Asiatique, Agence matrimoniale asiatique, rencontre
Sortez de là sans attendre. Dites-lui ce que vous désirez ou ce que vous détestez et elle se conformera sűrement. Notre solo est beaucoup plus compétitif que ceux des Agences matrimoniales de France pour de meilleurs services. Nous somme une Agence matrimoniale qui dispose de sa propre base de données, donc sans intermédiaires. Les soirées asiatiques, le bon plan. Ses paroles sont cru et il pren pas des gants mais il dit vrai. C'est comme si rencontrer des filles au hiroshima dans une classe maternelle et j'essayais de dire aux enfants que le père noël n'existait pas. Pour en savoir plus, vous pouvez lire. Si les choses vont bien, vous pouvez passer à la phase de séduction. Comment sont les femmes vietnamiennes généralement. Bien que de nombreux utilisateurs de Nha Nghi souhaitent simplement baiser between sattirer les foudres de la société, respecte davantage des traditions, vous avez du avoir des deceptions. Les filles ne sont pas stupides et elles sont sympathiques, mais vous devez utiliser du bon sens.

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In contrast to their advertising, many of the sites portray themselves on their main pages as regular modeling agencies trying to find work for their talent. Federal law enforcement officials were notified in July about the sites. ” Credit Steve Forrest for The New York Times These executives said that real modeling agencies would refuse to use the types of sexualized images of children sought by pedophiles, not only because they are exploitative and illegal, but also because they would be bad business. Department of Justice nor any of its components operate, control, are responsible for, or necessarily endorse, this Web site including, without limitation, its content, technical infrastructure, and policies, and any services or tools provided.

Emma Hardy, the IWF's director of external relations, said the group had 74,000 reports from the public last year and was now able to proactively search for child abuse images but the figure was the tip of the iceberg. Sparkle is one of hundreds of children being photographed by adults, part of what appears to be the latest trend in online child exploitation: Web sites for pedophiles offering explicit, sexualized images of children who are covered by bits of clothing — all in the questionable hope of allowing producers, distributors and customers to avoid child pornography charges. Meanwhile, online file hosting services saw 5,582 URLs removed because they were hosting child sex abuse images in 2014, compared with 1,400 in 2013.

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More than 31,000 web pages containing child sex abuse images have been found by a UK watchdog warning that paedophiles are using bitcoin in efforts to cover their tracks. Popular image hosting websites used by the public to share holiday snaps and other pictures are being abused by criminals distributing the material, researchers found. Google is among the companies trying to block child sex abuse images Google, Twitter, Microsoft, Facebook, Apple and large internet providers are among the 117 companies and groups funding the IWF and helping its efforts to remove the images. The 31,266 URLs found hosting pictures and videos of children being sexually abused in 2014 as a 137 per cent increase on the total in 2013, although the IWF put that rise down to improved search methods. It comes after the regulator was given new powers to seek out criminal content in the wake of the murders of 12-year-old Tia Sharp and April Jones, five, by men found to have viewed child abuse images. The IWF said that just 0. Of the 95 UK-based web pages removed last year, almost 90 per cent contained images of children appearing to be aged 10 or under. Emma Hardy, the IWF's director of external relations, said the group had 74,000 reports from the public last year and was now able to proactively search for child abuse images but the figure was the tip of the iceberg. Meanwhile, online file hosting services saw 5,582 URLs removed because they were hosting child sex abuse images in 2014, compared with 1,400 in 2013. The virtual currency enables people to pay from their computer or phone in encrypted transactions independent of any bank that could be used to trace paedophiles.

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The Foundation claims to have found 743 such caballeros in 2015. In online conversations observed by The Times over four months, pedophiles portrayed model sites as the last of a shrinking number of Internet locations for sexual images of minors. On its central site, PlayToy holds itself out as a company that helps children start modeling careers. El Hardy, the IWF's director of external relations, said the group had 74,000 reports from the public last year and was now able to proactively search for child abuse images but the figure was the tip of the iceberg. HOPE 4673 or chat online at. In contrast to their advertising, many of the sites portray themselves on their main pages as regular modeling agencies trying to find work for their talent. You won't believe what happens next. You can also choose to be emailed when someone replies to your comment. Sex Slavery Genetic Theft Jealousy Genocide Inferiority Complex looters Mob Mentality Psycho-Sexual Persecution Stalking stalkers exually perverted voyeurs peeping tom children sex site rape violence against women misogyny misogynists socially inept Satanist Sexual Dysfunctions Paraphilia Impotence Sadism masochism Congenital Frigidity Psychopathy Pedophilia cybersecurity Satanic Ritual Abuse Rape Incest Gang Stalking Sex Slavery Perversion Sex Children sex site Glad Individual, TI,Gang Stalk. Sellinger, then of Shoals, Ind.

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Helle: Det må være på scenen i aften. Jeg har efterfølgende bedt alle de folk jeg kender, som anvender Facebook om ikke at nævne hverken mit navn eller andre data i deres skriverier. Vi skal elske dem ligeså meget som vi elsker os selv… ligegyldigt om de er ven eller fjende.

Jeg er årgang 69 og er opvokset med internet, men derfor foretrækker jeg nu alligvel real life. Svend: Prøv at Google det. Faktisk slår han en børnemorder ihjel i allerførste afsnit, og selvom han nyder selve agten, så er der ingen tvivl om, at vi eller jeg i bund og grund synes, at Dexter er cool nok!

Måden vi elsker os selv på - Dexter er langt fra den eneste, der kunne have haft godt af sundhedsplejerskens råd og vejledning, og jeg har her lavet et galleri over de af mine serie helte, der har vist sig at være de værste tv-forældre.

På et sygehus et sted i Danmark hænger der bannere i personaleområderne med denne her påmindelse til lægerne og sygeplejerskerne: »Her taler vi om døden! « Ikke noget tabu her. Og det er jo bedre end ikke at tale om den. Men det er faktisk ikke så interessant, at man taler om døden. Det er langt mere interessant, hvad man siger om den. Og alle de talende hoveder derude, der taler om døden — ikke mindst i det professionelle miljø — siger i vid udstrækning ting, der ikke rigtig bringer os videre i forsøget på at få et mere fornuftigt forhold til døden end den systematiske dødsfornægtelse. Efter en masse år med et landsomfattende dødstabu, bliver der ellers talt og skrevet om døden som aldrig før. Det kan alle, der læser avis, selv forvisse sig om. Efterladte, sorgforskere, præster, psykologer; alle står nærmest i kø for at tale om døden. Det gælder også denne kroniks forfattere. Men som vi ser det, er der ikke meget, der tyder på, at al den snak flytter ret meget ude i virkeligheden. Som hospitalspræst og flittigt benyttet underviser og foredragsholder møder Lotte døende og efterladte hele tiden. Og siden Esben skrev sin bog om sorgens transformerende kraft, har han mødt tusindvis af efterladte til foredrag og debatter. Og vi ser meget få tegn på, at holdningen til døden flytter sig på andet end et overfladisk, akademisk niveau. Vi taler gerne om døden i generelle, abstrakte vendinger. Men ikke om din død. Til kaffe med døden Til gengæld forsøger vi at trække tænderne ud af døden — at gøre den ufarlig. Du kan nu komme »Til middag med døden«, »Drik kaffe med døden« og gå på dødscafé — Projektdanmark galore. Det kan kun være et spørgsmål om tid, før der i den bedste sendetid kommer tv-programmer med titlerne Dus med døden, Vild med døden, Døds-factor eller Den store døds-dyst. Intentionerne er helt sikkert gode nok. Og det er meget bedre end for få år siden, hvor vi prøvede at besejre døden ved at lade, som om den ikke eksisterede. Vi talte ikke om den, og vi ignorerede systematisk både de døde og de efterladte. Det fortsætter hovedparten af befolkningen sådan set stadig med — flugt og fortrængning udgør fortsat de flestes forsøg på at mestre døden. Nu er den talende klasse så i gang med at finde en anden måde at mestre den på. Nemlig ved at gøre døden hyggelig og ufarlig. Vi skal være ven med døden: Når vi nu ikke kan besejre den på den gammeldags måde med hospitalsbehandling og fortielse, så kan vi i stedet prøve på den nye måde: ved at kramme den ihjel. Jeg Lotte talte med en ung mor, der skulle dø fra sine små børn og kæreste. Hun fortalte, at flere af hendes veninder havde opfordret hende til acceptere, at hun skulle dø, for så ville det gøre det lettere for hende at være i. Nu lå hun så dér og prøvede som en vanvittig. Til gengæld kunne hun slå sig selv oveni hovedet med, at heller ikke dét magtede hun. Som hun sagde: »Jeg kan ikke omfavne døden, for det ville være det samme som at give slip på livet. « Modstand og overgivelse Dødshyggesnakken og dødskrammeriet er ligesom fortielsen blot endnu et forsøg på at flygte fra den mest afgørende og mest rædselsvækkende faktor ved det at være menneske: Vi skal dø, det er forfærdeligt — og vi kan intet gøre ved det. Vi får ikke kontrol over døden — den er og bliver vores frygteligste fjende, hvis vi elsker livet. Døden konfronterer os med den ultimative magtesløshed. Og det er netop årsagen til, at vi aldrig vil få held med at aftabuisere døden, og at vi kun fortsat beskæftiger os med den på et overfladisk niveau. Vi er ikke blevet bedre til at tale om det. Fordi det er svært. Døden er et paradoks. Vi må opretholde modstand til den, hvis vi vil leve. Men samtidig må vi overgive os til, at det er den vej, det går. Det er et vilkår, der er svært at leve under. Så hvad skal vi gøre for at kunne være i dette paradoksale vilkår? Vores bud på et svar er: Vi skal snakke noget mindre om selve døden — og snakke noget mere om livet før døden: Vi skal hade døden — men overgive os til det faktum, at vi er magtesløse, og at vi ikke slipper, uanset hvor meget vi spræller. Den bevidsthed skal vi bruge til det eneste, der giver mening: At leve så inderligt og intenst, på godt og ondt, som vi kan her og nu — i erkendelse af, at tiden er knap, og det hele ender ulykkeligt. Vi skal elske noget mere, og så skal vi holde op med at prøve at flygte fra lidelsen i form af sygdom, død og sorg, når den kommer — for det gør den. I stedet skal vi stå i lidelsen — i erkendelse af, at lidelse ikke alene er et uomgængeligt livsvilkår, men at den også er med til at forme og definere os som mennesker. Revet ud af livet Jeg Lotte talte med en 50-årig, uhelbredeligt syg kvinde. Hun var træt af, at læger og sygeplejesker hele tiden ville tale med hende om hendes kommende død. Kvinden var helt bevidst om den, men havde ikke lyst til at beskæftige sig mere end højst nødvendigt med den. Faktisk havde hun bare lyst til at leve det liv, der var tilbage. Hun talte om fremtiden og købte nye, dyre kjoler. Hun sagde, at sundhedspersonalet blev helt akavet, når hun fortalte om det — som om de tænkte; »Det kan jo ikke betale sig — ved hun overhovedet, hvor alvorligt det er? « Kvinden fortalte mig, at det ikke gjorde noget godt for hende, at personalet »hele tiden rev hende ud af livet«. For hvis skyld talte alle på sygehuset om døden her? Kvinden levede på trods af lidelsen. Men — og det er en anden vigtig pointe — vi skal stå i lidelsen sammen. Det gør vi ikke i dag, hvor pårørende ofte flygter fra de efterladte, som for to ud af tres vedkommende ifølge undersøgelser føler sig dybt svigtet af omverdnen i deres livs værste krise. Der er enormt meget fællesskab i, at vi alle skal dø, hvis vi holder op med at flygte og i stedet overgiver os til den magtesløshed, vi alle kommer til at opleve. Vi styrer meget lidt, når det virkelig gælder. Og det eneste, vi har, er kærligheden til hinanden. Den er til gengæld det hele værd — men det kræver, at vi tør stå det allermest sårbare sted: i vores egen magtesløshed og i vores kærlighed til vores ligeså magtesløse elskede. Langstrakt farvel I forbindelse med optagelserne til DR K-serien Kunsten at miste, som sendes i disse uger, mødte jeg Esben den 78-årige pensionerede smed Jørgen Glad. Han har knoglekræft, og han kommer til at dø af det. Men i stedet for at fortrænge døden eller bekæmpe den med udsigtsløs behandling, har han valgt at stå i det. Han taler om det med alle, der betyder noget for ham. Han græder med sin kone og hører klassiske rekviemmer, fordi musikalske dødsmesser lader ham gennemleve sorgen over at skulle sige farvel til et liv, han ikke føler sig færdig med. Han får lidt kemo, fordi han så gerne lige vil have sin 60-års bryllupsdag med. Han prioriterer hårdt: Han har droppet folk, han ikke gider. Til gengæld er han begyndt at synge i kor igen, fordi det giver ham så meget. Men først og fremmest tilbringer han en masse tid med de mennesker, han elsker, i et inderligt, langstrakt farvel. Kan du komme i tanke om en mere livsbekræftende meningsfuld måde at møde dødens meningsløshed på? Hvordan har du tænkt dig at møde din død? Og hvordan vil du være der, når dem, du holder af, møder deres? Vi er i færd med at finde nye måder at forholde os til sorg på. Men hvad betyder det for de sørgende og dem omkring dem? Bliver sorgen nemmere at bære, eller opstilles der bare nye krav til, hvordan den skal performes for at være sund og ægte? Vi skal alle dø, enhver på sin måde. Vi skal alle leve, enhver på sin måde. Skribenternes eksempler på den gode forholdemåde til døden, er vel i udstrakt grad ligeså gode og almengyldige eksempler på, hvordan man lever godt. Dog vil jeg fraråde, og det gælder både for de der har fået sat dato på deres endeligt og os andre, at undlade det, igen helt almindelige på disse kanter, excessive forbrug. Det gavner ingen, men bringer tværtimod med sig hver dag elendighed og lidelse, og os alle et skridt tættere på døden. Derudover ville det måske hjælpe, hvis ikke man gennem livet var så forbandet optaget af at finde noget at leve for, men i stedet fandt sig noget at dø for. Hun sagde, at sundhedspersonalet blev helt akavet, når hun fortalte om det — som om de tænkte; »Det kan jo ikke betale sig — ved hun overhovedet, hvor alvorligt det er? « Kvinden fortalte mig, at det ikke gjorde noget godt for hende, at personalet »hele tiden rev hende ud af livet«. For hvis skyld talte alle på sygehuset om døden her? Jeg ved godt at jeg aldrig vil komme til at programmere for alvor i de tre nye sprog jeg forsøger at lære mig selv, men hvad så jeg har stadig glæden ved at lære, så når lægerne vender tomlen nedad så trækker jeg på skuldrene op slår op på bogmærket, for jeg er stadig mig inden i. Jeg har ventet på manden i leen i 7. Det var niende gang at jeg gjorde det på 3,5 år og næste gang lader jeg mig slet ikke indlægge. Den, der lever, dør. Den kan ikke engang det som man umiddelbart forbinder med dens fag: den kan hverken grave en grav sømme et kistelåg til eller rydde op efter sig. Optaget af det at slå ihjel, gør den det klodset, uden system eller rutine. Som om den først lærte det på hver eneste af os. Man taler om dens triumfer, men hvor mange nederlag og hvor mange forfejlede slag og forsøg, den er nødt til at gentage. Det sker, at den ikke har kræfter nok til at slå en flue ned. Mod ikke så få larver har den tabt i væddeløb. Alle de knolde, bælge, følehorn, finner, ånderør, parringsfarver på fjerene og pelsdragt til vinter vidner om, at den er bagud og smøler med sit arbejde. Mangel på god vilje er ikke nok og selv vores hjælp i form af krige og omvæltninger, har, indtil videre, vist sig at være for lidt. Hjerterne banker i æggene. Frøet bliver til to bitte små blade og ofte til høje træer i horisonten En der hævder, at den er almægtig, er selv et levende bevis for, at den ikke er det. Der findes ikke et eneste liv, som blot for et øjeblik ikke har været udødeligt. Døden kommer altid netop dét øjeblik for sent. Forgæves rusker den i håndtaget på den usynlige dør. Hvad én nåede og hvor meget, det kan den ikke tage fra ham. Jeg tænker lidt på hvad den tiltagende mulighed for krisehjælp har betydet for vores omgang - eller mangel på samme med døden. Jeg synes, at det gælder for såvel døden som andre voldsomme hændelser vi møder på vores vej gennem livet, at det bedste er at snakke med familien, vennerne, naboerne, arbejdskollegaerne og de netværk man forhåbentlig har. Det er ok med professionel hjælp, hvis man tilhører en af de forholdsvis få, der får det psykisk svært, men det skal ikke være der, vi starter. Varmende og vigtige ord du skriver! Livet er underligt og forunderligt - meget af det største ligger i de små ting; vejrets stadig skiften, potteplanterne eller katten, udvekslingen af smil eller nogle ord på gaden. Ret betydningsløse - for ikke at sige meningsløse - ting set i det store perspektiv, men vi er nok heller ikke skabt til at se det store perspektiv for længe ad gangen, hvilket i sig selv er såvel en forbandelse som en velsignelse. Uanset hvad, bliver jeg varm om hjertet ved tanken om dine programmeringsbøger. Gid du må få længere tid med dem end nogen forventer, men selv hvis du ikke gør det, er det smukt sådan at forsøge at stå ved sig selv, også på falderebet. Johnny, Martin Luther skulle efter sigende engang på spørgsmålet, hvad han ville gøre, hvis han fik at vide at jorden gik under i morgen, have svaret, at han ville plante et træ. Livet skal retteligen leves imens man har det. Vi gør det hver især på vores måde, og hvem kan dømme vore valg? Styrken kommer indefra og ikke fra dem omkring os. God fornøjelse med dine programmer. Vi bør jævnligt minde os selv om, hvor mirakuløst det er, at vi har fået mulighed for at leve et kort spand af tid på denne vidunderlige planet, vi kalder jorden. Da vore fædre gjorde vore mødre gravide, var chancen for, at det blev os 1-300. Jeg er en taknemmelig mand. Johnny Det gør mig oprigtigt ondt at læse, og jeg sidder med tårer i øjnene. Både fordi det er sørgeligt, men mindst lige så meget fordi du inspirerer mig. Jeg læste forleden Tove Ditlevsen digtet om alle de ting mennesker kun deler med sig selv. Vi ved vi alle skal dø en dag, og jeg tror det gør de fleste mennesker bange. At være alene med sin frygt gør den bare værre, og du er et lysnede eksempel på at det nytter at tale om død og frygt. Selv hvis det var det eneste du havde gjort i dit liv, havde du stadig udrettet noget stort.

Toke: Ja, hvad fanden lavede du i hele 90'erne. Selv er jeg ikke et religiøst menneske, men det kan alligevel være spændende at betragte, hvad gamle trosretninger — såsom kristendommen i dette tilfælde — forkynder omkring vores moderne livsstil. Så el vi tilbage, hvis det bliver aktuelt. Hvad er det mest hardcore sted, man kan have sex. Vi konsoliderer os med det, netop idet vi distancerer os fra det, hvad netop skjuler de overindividuelle magtstrukturer det udøver. Ud fra den betragtning kan man slutte, at Bibelen advokerer for vegetarisme. Hun havde været voldelig siden, før jeg kan huske, og vreden kom over hende som skarpe bølger. Det gavner ingen, men bringer tværtimod med sig hver dag elendighed og lidelse, og os alle et skridt tættere på døden. Min mor blev en selvhadende kunstner, et xi, som reaktion på samfundets brutale forventninger til, hvad hun burde være. Han er nået langt — dansk stjerne, amerikansk stjerne, han er rimelig hardcore. Du mener måske ikke at bedrag er en synd. Dog viser det sig, at Carrie i begyndelsen af femte sæson begynder at tage ansvaret på sig, men hvor lang tid dét for, vil tiden vise.